Love at First Sight is Just a Big Myth

We have for years heard about love at first site. So much so, that we hope it happens to us.

The immediately attraction and hopefully life long commitment to our prince charming or princess.

Experiencing the feeling of love is a long term process and cannot be felt immediately.

Now, lust at first sight is real.

What is the difference between love and lust?

According to Judith Orloff, MD in her Huffington Post article, The Difference Between Love and Lust

Signs of lust:

• You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.
• You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.
• You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
• You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
• You are lovers, but not friends.

Signs of love:

• You want to spend quality time together other than sex.
• You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.
• You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.
• He or she motivates you to be a better person.
• You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

 

I have a different opinion, yet included Dr. Orloffs list for further conversation.

I consider both of her lists inclusive of the experience of lust.  My reaction to  her list of lust is more reflective of sexual interest and activity which eliminates the relational aspect.

Emotions and attachment are included in lust. Of course one could do without said emotions as well.

Lust is fueled by our neuro-chemicals which physiologically puts us on a dopamine high; we crave, idealize, and have obsessive thoughts about the other.  This is NOT your heart talking, its your brain chemicals that have wired you to attract, mate, procreate.

Despite the neuro-chemical flood, you’re not using your brain nor your heart.  You’re high.

It is one of the best feelings in the world and I believe has lead to many unwise marriages, divorces and affairs.

We all want to chase what feels good and boy does this feel good!

If our chemicals are urging us to procreate we need to have a veil of fantasy; otherwise, we’d really notice how bad their feet stink, they don’t put their laundry in the basket, belch too often after dinner, only floss once per month and they’re not that respectful when talking about their mother.

We instead focus on the fantasy that is and what our future with that person might be. If we noticed the daily bad traits of each of us right away, would we never pair up?

When we experience lust and recognize our altered mental  state, we can place logic next to our thoughts of Mr./ Ms. Dreamy and allow time to guide us in the true-ness of a real relationship.

Logical statements help us reduce impulsive decisions, to place some realism in our lustful fog, remind us that everyone has faults and craving someone today and living with them day in and day out is a completely different ball game.

Enjoy the lust, recognize your high, and manage your fantasy.

When do you know it is real love?

The main way love is revealed is through time.

I recommend couples not marry until two years of courtship/dating, because two years is the time frame needed for your chemical high to subside.

After two years,

You:

Still feel sexual attraction to your partner

Have fully accepted who that person is without your ability to ever change them
Can tolerate their bad traits/habits because they are just annoying but are not unhealthy ie (addiction, abuse, manipulative)

Are interested in sharing your life with this person with shared vision for your future
Can have and work through disagreements

Have discussed your views on religion, politics, children and money and have come to an understanding and/or compromise

Enjoy sex with your partner

Want to empower them into their fullness

Feel respected and encouraged

Receive most of the attention, validation, sex and communication you find important in the long run

Feel comfortable in who you are

 

Love is a feeling that is long lasting, accepting and respectful which occurs with time.

Lust is a biochemical flood of wonderful feelings, attraction, desire and craving which can be instantaneous.

You can have lust at first sight.

 

 

 

 

 

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

Lust is Easy, Love takes Work

An excellent article detailing what it takes to really love:

Being There

Being Beneficent 

Being Non-Maleficent

Making a Commitment

Being Loyal 

Being Consistent

Being Candid

Being Trustworthy

Being Consistent

Being Empathetic 

Being Tolerant

 

 

 

Lust, Just one of the Seven Deadly Sins

Lust, Lust, and more Lust.

This week I was discussing my fantasy of opening a breakfast restaurant in a beach tourist location upon my retirement with the theme of the “7 Deadly Sins”.  I recognize I would need to choose a liberal beach community such as Key West to avoid the ‘wrath’ I might receive from the devoutly religious.

Wrath, Greed, Pride, Sloth, Lust, Envy and Gluttony.

It may prove challenging to create a menu based upon these themes, yet I found it intriguing to utilize these sins in a food fashion;  while using humor at addressing our human frailties and vices.

Over 1.7 thousand years ago, the 4th century  monk Evagrius Ponticus created a list of eight “evil thoughts”: Gluttony, Fornication, Avarice, Hubris, Sadness, Wrath, Boasting and Dejection.

In 590 AD, Pope Gregory I revised Ponticus list to create the base form of what we view in our modern society of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Being a sexual therapist, lust is on the forefront of my practice.  Too much lust, not enough lust, is this ‘normal’ lust, how do I deal with my lust, oh I’m awful….LUST.

Lust is usually thought of as excessive sexual thoughts and desires .

“In Dante’s Purgatorio, the penitent walks within flames to purge himself of lustful/sexual thoughts and feelings. In Dante’s “Inferno”, unforgiven souls of the sin of lust are blown about in restless hurricane-like winds symbolic of their own lack of self control to their lustful passions in earthly life.”     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins

Look at the punishment related to our human instincts towards lust: Walking into flames, hurricanes and more.

Despite the validity of our vices recognized even in the 4th Century, it is the shame element that continues to haunt us in the 21st century.

Even in current society, most of us have heard of sex as our ‘dirty little secret’,  ‘don’t touch down there’, ‘women are not suppose to enjoy it, want it, crave it”.  In Danish history, as in many other cultures I presume , they would tether little girls hands at night to prevent self stimulation.  In the Victorian age, chair legs needed to be covered to avoid someone feeling ‘aroused’.  Boys received messages that masturbation led to hairy palms and even insanity.  Lets not forget about ‘Chastity Belts’ .

All shamed based messages about our innate sexual selves.

When we look at our hormones that fuel lust (testosterone in particular), we have a more realistic and biological view of its role in each of our lives.  Where does shame belong in biology?

It is only our choices related to our natural lustful urges that may contribute to feelings of shame: if we disrespect our self, our relationships, make unsafe choices, or even harm another.

Lust is pervasive in our humanness as well as expressed in our culture. Strip clubs bring in revenues of $75 billion, the porn industry accounts for approximately $57 Billion and every second over 400 people are searching for porn online.

My site alone has received over 10 thousand hits in 3 1/2 month from the word ‘SEXY’.   The most clicked on picture  on my site is an attractive female.

We are naturally drawn to beauty, to experience lust and desire, to want to see, feel, and touch another.

Lust is part of who we are.

When we accept this as a natural part of who we are, managing our lustful choices can become more manageable.

Despite lust being one of the 7 deadly sins, it can be rejoiced and enjoyed in a responsible fashion with moderation, compassion, respect for self and other, and safety.

Maybe I will one day open that fantasized restaurant, although I think “Gluttony” would be the predominant theme.

For today, its Lust, Lust and more…lust.